Category: Comic Relief O’ The Day

Comic Relief O’ The Day (not from the DuffleBlog or the Babylon Bee)

Long term US strategy in Afghanistan is to bog the Taliban down with never-ending PMCS and deadlined equipment. Plan going better than expected.

They even apparently even use ground guides.

A Reporter Shoots an AR-15 and Absolute Hilarity Ensues

If there’s one thing Democrats have taught us about AR-15s, it’s that they are the most powerful, deadly weapons of war ever created, assembled by the devil himself. Of course, anyone that knows anything about the platform and the round it shoots knows that’s nonsense, but still, when someone of a leftward persuasion shoots one, hilarity often ensues.

That’s what was on tap when Kevin McCallum, writing for Seven Days in Vermont, decided to share his experience shooting an AR-15 at an indoor gun range. To hear him tell it, he basically had an out-of-body experience due to the massive, bone-rattling recoil.

Seriously, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out this is satire, but all indications are that it’s real, and it’s spectacular.

I’d hate to see this guy shoot my .308, which itself is not a very hard kicking gun. Still, if he did, it might break him in half. I also own an AR-15, and I can personally vouch for the recoil being non-existent. It’s just a 55 grain .22 caliber bullet, after all. My wife, who is not even 110 pounds, laughed after the first time she shot it. At no point did she describe it as deep shockwaves coursing through her body after a meteor landed in front of her. She certainly wasn’t “rattled” by the explosion.

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Die GrëtchënFührër® gets it right in the face again.

Company Continues Operating Pipeline Through Michigan Despite Governor’s Order

A Canadian energy company is continuing to operate a pipeline through Michigan despite Gov. Gretchen Whitmer’s (D) order to shut down.

Whitmer on Tuesday ordered Enbridge Energy to stand down its oil and gas pipeline, Line 5, by May 12, saying that the pipeline in the underwater section of Line 5 is too risky to keep operating.

“These oil pipelines in the Straits of Mackinac are a ticking timebomb, and their continued presence violates the public trust and poses a grave threat to Michigan’s environment and economy,” Whitmer’s office said at the time.

But the pipeline still continued operating, according to The Detroit Free Press.

Joe Biden falling up the stairs provides memery galore:

Positive proof that Alexandria Occasional Cortex is not the most stupid person alive:

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Deer steals hunter’s gun, probably gearing up for the Apocalypse

Even the deer are arming themselves for the coming apocalypse.

According to police in the Czech Republic, a man from the village of Horni Plana had his gun stolen by a deer while he was out hunting fowl with his dogs.

One of the dogs startled a buck, which ran directly at the hunter and ripped his coat sleeves with its antlers before pulling his .22 caliber rifle off his shoulder.

The deer then fled into the woods with the rifle dangling from its antlers. Another hunter reportedly saw the deer a half mile away, still running with the rifle on its head – most likely, I’d imagine, back to a secret cache with other stolen weapons.

While I can’t definitively say how many deer have procured weapons for the coming end times – or if they might even be allies in any future struggle against bearkind – I can warn you that future looks scarily like the re-imagined live-action “Bambi” movie from 2016:

Orcs March On Minas Tirith In Mostly Peaceful Protest.

MINAS TIRITH—Orcs marched on Minas Tirith this morning in a mostly peaceful protest.

The rioters marched for peace, justice, and love in a calm, peaceful, orderly gathering outside the city walls. The mostly peaceful protesters launched peaceful siege projectiles at the city and sent Nazguls to maul Gondorian soldiers in a demonstration of their love and tolerance.

“Everything is very calm, very peaceful here,” said a reporter from Gondor News Network. “It’s very tranquil.” Just then, an Oliphaunt charged right at him and flattened him into lembas bread.

Gondor’s government was criticized for “police brutality” when, after a long period of inaction, Rohan’s armies finally charged in to break things up.

“We were just peacefully protesting — Gondor had no right to peacefully protest back,” said one Orc. “Two of their agents were even having a contest to see how many of us they could kill — and they were killing the majestic, endangered Oliphaunts! I’m literally shaking right now.”

From today’s House hearing with the AG attending.

Raskin: Althabaalabb….…..

ROTFLMAO.

Although he’s only been in federal congress less than 4 years, Raskin is a former ConLaw professor at AmericanU in D.C. and got his degrees at Harvard, so it’s rather startling he didn’t see that one coming straight at him. Of course, it may simply be an indication that a Harvard education isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and that Rankin is as dense as he sounds.

Well, I guess that means he really does have crap-for-brains. And what does that say about the people that hired him?

Don Lemon Takes Cognitive Test On Air to Own the Orange Man, Screws It Up

I’m The Rapid Response Social Worker Who Replaced The Police
It’s not an easy job. In fact, it’s impossible, but it’s for social justice!

I’m not gonna lie, this isn’t exactly what I expected — lying here in the hospital. I mean, it’s only a few broken bones, a punctured lung, and some stitches to the head, but I almost feel betrayed. Three weeks ago when I took the five-hour online course to become an unarmed rapid response social worker, I thought I was helping mankind. After all, with the police abolished, somebody had to be there to mitigate when people had inevitable disagreements.

My first mitigation didn’t go great. I was called to the scene of a bank robbery — which, there weren’t supposed to be any bank robberies once the capitalist-driven oppression of the police no longer created crime, but this guy apparently didn’t get the memo, I guess. He was a Latinx male-presenting person about 5’6” holding a shotgun.

Thinking back on my extensive training, I tried to calm things down with a breathing exercise. But he just kept yelling and pointing the gun at me, which again, not supposed to happen. I told him that as a white cis man, I could never know the trauma the Spanish-speaking people suffered under white genocidal maniacs like Cortez, and while his desire to rob the bank was understandable, even laudable, we have collectively decided not to support such actions, and resources were available to him.

That’s when he hit me in the head with the butt of his gun; I think it was the butt of his gun, anyway. When I woke up, I realized this job was not going to be as easy as I thought it would be. That was just one person, though — one person who is really rich now. But to assume he represented the entire criminal class would have been the height of privilege, right? And after all, it’s only money, and a slight concussion.

The next day went remarkably better. I was called to a gang fight that was about to get very heated. No guns this time, just knives and brass knuckles. I suggested we all sit in a circle and use a feelings chart to determine what had brought us all to that place. I did not, of course, suggest that why I was there was for some inherently better or more virtuous purpose, and I think they really got it! They stopped fighting each other and stole my wallet, instead. Progress.

It was yesterday, my third day on the job, when things really got dicey. There were reports of revolutionary redistribution of corporate assets, which used to go by the patently racist name “looting.” I consulted my Rapid Response Social Worker app, and it advised me to start gently chanting, “Hope is the thing with feathers.” Dickinson. It’s a technique that was developed in Denmark to deescalate harmful situations with poetry.

The rest is a blur. There were a few baseball bats to the legs. A large glass bottle of something sticky, organic maple syrup maybe, was smashed on my head. People were kicking me in the ribs, and I saw a few people fighting over a Ralph Lauren down comforter they were steali… I mean redistributing. The comforter ripped, there was chaos everywhere, and when I woke up in the ambulance, well, I was the thing with feathers.

This morning when I woke up, my supervisor was right there next to my bed. I thought maybe xir had brought flowers or one of those shiny balloons from the hospital gift shop. But actually xir had a long complaint form, detailing the ways in which I had failed in my job and failed the collective community. I was still kind of groggy. I didn’t catch it all, but something about failure to recognize and ameliorate systems of oppression. Which, I mean, yeah probably.

I’m not giving up though. Nobody said this would be easy. They also didn’t say it would put me in the ICU, but that’s beside the point. We are creating a better world — one where police, the real criminals, no longer exist, and more equitable forms of community support for need-based compelled law suggestion can thrive. Are we there yet? No, but once I’m out of the hospital and off suspension, I’ll be right back to work making America a better place.