“So this old fat guy was coming down the chimney, Officer, and I was going to let him have it, but then he offered me a case of 5.56 and a couple of boxes of 9mm, so I gave him some cookies and milk and let him go.”
Even the deer are arming themselves for the coming apocalypse.
According to police in the Czech Republic, a man from the village of Horni Plana had his gun stolen by a deer while he was out hunting fowl with his dogs.
One of the dogs startled a buck, which ran directly at the hunter and ripped his coat sleeves with its antlers before pulling his .22 caliber rifle off his shoulder.
The deer then fled into the woods with the rifle dangling from its antlers. Another hunter reportedly saw the deer a half mile away, still running with the rifle on its head – most likely, I’d imagine, back to a secret cache with other stolen weapons.
While I can’t definitively say how many deer have procured weapons for the coming end times – or if they might even be allies in any future struggle against bearkind – I can warn you that future looks scarily like the re-imagined live-action “Bambi” movie from 2016:
Imagine you’re a Somali pirate, and you see this just before you get turned into swiss cheese
The Babylon Bee strikes again
He keeps playing the media like a fiddle.
Trump NOW says he wants to move the election up.
aaaaaaand Hilarity Ensues™
— Nicole P. (@NP_PDX) July 31, 2020
He’s playing you, chad. ????and y’all scamper like hysterical little rabbits every time he drops a bread crumb.
— TenNamesLater (@TenNamesLater) July 31, 2020
MINAS TIRITH—Orcs marched on Minas Tirith this morning in a mostly peaceful protest.
The rioters marched for peace, justice, and love in a calm, peaceful, orderly gathering outside the city walls. The mostly peaceful protesters launched peaceful siege projectiles at the city and sent Nazguls to maul Gondorian soldiers in a demonstration of their love and tolerance.
“Everything is very calm, very peaceful here,” said a reporter from Gondor News Network. “It’s very tranquil.” Just then, an Oliphaunt charged right at him and flattened him into lembas bread.
Gondor’s government was criticized for “police brutality” when, after a long period of inaction, Rohan’s armies finally charged in to break things up.
“We were just peacefully protesting — Gondor had no right to peacefully protest back,” said one Orc. “Two of their agents were even having a contest to see how many of us they could kill — and they were killing the majestic, endangered Oliphaunts! I’m literally shaking right now.”
From today’s House hearing with the AG attending.
"Did they do that before or after the fire was put out?" pic.twitter.com/qz1aUPjzJW
— Elizabeth Harrington (@LizRNC) July 28, 2020
Although he’s only been in federal congress less than 4 years, Raskin is a former ConLaw professor at AmericanU in D.C. and got his degrees at Harvard, so it’s rather startling he didn’t see that one coming straight at him. Of course, it may simply be an indication that a Harvard education isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and that Rankin is as dense as he sounds.
Well, I guess that means he really does have crap-for-brains. And what does that say about the people that hired him?
Don Lemon Takes Cognitive Test On Air to Own the Orange Man, Screws It Up
I’m The Rapid Response Social Worker Who Replaced The Police
It’s not an easy job. In fact, it’s impossible, but it’s for social justice!
I’m not gonna lie, this isn’t exactly what I expected — lying here in the hospital. I mean, it’s only a few broken bones, a punctured lung, and some stitches to the head, but I almost feel betrayed. Three weeks ago when I took the five-hour online course to become an unarmed rapid response social worker, I thought I was helping mankind. After all, with the police abolished, somebody had to be there to mitigate when people had inevitable disagreements.
My first mitigation didn’t go great. I was called to the scene of a bank robbery — which, there weren’t supposed to be any bank robberies once the capitalist-driven oppression of the police no longer created crime, but this guy apparently didn’t get the memo, I guess. He was a Latinx male-presenting person about 5’6” holding a shotgun.
Thinking back on my extensive training, I tried to calm things down with a breathing exercise. But he just kept yelling and pointing the gun at me, which again, not supposed to happen. I told him that as a white cis man, I could never know the trauma the Spanish-speaking people suffered under white genocidal maniacs like Cortez, and while his desire to rob the bank was understandable, even laudable, we have collectively decided not to support such actions, and resources were available to him.
That’s when he hit me in the head with the butt of his gun; I think it was the butt of his gun, anyway. When I woke up, I realized this job was not going to be as easy as I thought it would be. That was just one person, though — one person who is really rich now. But to assume he represented the entire criminal class would have been the height of privilege, right? And after all, it’s only money, and a slight concussion.
The next day went remarkably better. I was called to a gang fight that was about to get very heated. No guns this time, just knives and brass knuckles. I suggested we all sit in a circle and use a feelings chart to determine what had brought us all to that place. I did not, of course, suggest that why I was there was for some inherently better or more virtuous purpose, and I think they really got it! They stopped fighting each other and stole my wallet, instead. Progress.
It was yesterday, my third day on the job, when things really got dicey. There were reports of revolutionary redistribution of corporate assets, which used to go by the patently racist name “looting.” I consulted my Rapid Response Social Worker app, and it advised me to start gently chanting, “Hope is the thing with feathers.” Dickinson. It’s a technique that was developed in Denmark to deescalate harmful situations with poetry.
The rest is a blur. There were a few baseball bats to the legs. A large glass bottle of something sticky, organic maple syrup maybe, was smashed on my head. People were kicking me in the ribs, and I saw a few people fighting over a Ralph Lauren down comforter they were steali… I mean redistributing. The comforter ripped, there was chaos everywhere, and when I woke up in the ambulance, well, I was the thing with feathers.
This morning when I woke up, my supervisor was right there next to my bed. I thought maybe xir had brought flowers or one of those shiny balloons from the hospital gift shop. But actually xir had a long complaint form, detailing the ways in which I had failed in my job and failed the collective community. I was still kind of groggy. I didn’t catch it all, but something about failure to recognize and ameliorate systems of oppression. Which, I mean, yeah probably.
I’m not giving up though. Nobody said this would be easy. They also didn’t say it would put me in the ICU, but that’s beside the point. We are creating a better world — one where police, the real criminals, no longer exist, and more equitable forms of community support for need-based compelled law suggestion can thrive. Are we there yet? No, but once I’m out of the hospital and off suspension, I’ll be right back to work making America a better place.
The United Nations has put out a tweet asserting that people shouldn’t use politically incorrect terms like “boyfriend,” “girlfriend,” “husband” and “wife” in order to “help create a more equal world.”
“What you say matters. Help create a more equal world by using gender-neutral language if you’re unsure about someone’s gender or are referring to a group,” states the tweet.
It then lists a number of terms alongside their politically correct alternative.
something close to ‘what she said’
1. You MUST NOT leave the house for any reason, but if you have a reason, you can leave the house
2. Masks are useless at protecting you against the virus, but you may have to wear one because it can save lives, but they may not work, but they may be mandatory, but maybe not
3. Shops are closed, except those shops that are open
4. You must not go to work, but you can get another job and go to work
5. You should not go to the doctor or to the hospital unless you have to go there, unless you are too poorly to go there
6. This virus can kill people, but don’t be scared of it. It can only kill those people who are vulnerable or those people who are not vulnerable. It’s possible to contain and control it, sometimes, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster
7. Gloves won’t help, but they can still help, so wear them sometimes or not
8. STAY HOME, but it’s important to go out
9. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarkets, but there are many things missing. Sometimes you won’t need loo rolls but you should buy some just in case you need some
10. The virus has no effect on children except those children it affects
11. Animals are not affected, but there was a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there…
12. Stay 6 feet away from tigers (see point 11)
13. You will have many symptoms if you get the virus, but you can also get symptoms without getting the virus, get the virus without having any symptoms, or be contagious without having symptoms, or be non-contagious with symptoms…it’s a sort of lucky/unlucky dip
14. To help protect yourself you should eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand as it’s better not to go to the shops, unless you need toilet roll or a fence panel
15. It’s important to get fresh air but don’t go to parks, but go for a walk. But don’t sit down, except if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant or if you’re not old or pregnant but need to sit down. If you do sit down don’t eat your picnic, unless you’ve had a long walk, which you are/aren’t allowed to do if you’re old or pregnant
16. Don’t visit old people, but you have to take care of the old people and bring them food and medication
17. If you are sick, you can go out when you are better, but anyone else in your household can’t go out when you are better unless they need to go out
18. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house. These deliveries are safe. But groceries you bring back to your house have to be decontaminated outside for 3 hours including frozen pizza…
19. You can’t see your older mother or grandmother, but they can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver
20. You are safe if you maintain the safe social distance when out, but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance
21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours … or four hours…or six hours… I mean days, not hours… But it needs a damp environment. Or a cold environment that is warm and dry… in the air, as long as the air is not plastic
22. Schools are closed so you need to home-educate your children, unless you can send them to school because you’re not at home. If you are at home, you can home-educate your children using various portals and virtual class rooms, unless you have poor internet, or more than one child and only one computer, or you are working from home. Baking cakes can be considered maths, science, or art. If you are home-educating you can include household chores within their education. If you are home-educating you can start drinking at 10 AM
23. If you are not home-educating children you can also start drinking at 10 AM
24. The number of corona-related deaths will be announced daily, but we don’t know how many people are infected as they are only testing those who are almost dead to find out if that’s what they will die of… the people who die of corona who aren’t counted won’t or will be counted, but maybe not
25. We should stay in locked down until the virus stops infecting people, but it will only stop infecting people if we all get infected, so it’s important we get infected and some don’t get infected
26. You can join your neighbors for a street party and turn your music up for an outside disco, and your neighbors won’t call the police. People in another street are allowed to call the police about your music whilst also having a party, which you are allowed to call the police about
27. No business will go down due to corona virus except those businesses that will go down due to corona virus.
I prefer the term – ‘Pre Barista’ .
U.S.—More colleges across the country have been renaming their liberal arts degrees “non-essential worker degrees” in a bid to be more honest about what exactly the course of study entails.
The colleges confirmed that nothing has changed in the actual studies being offered by the liberal arts programs, but now they can’t be sued for false advertising. “You’ll know right from the get-go that the pottery, French literature, or zero-gravity space station basket weaving classes you’re taking are completely useless and non-essential.”