Category: Comic Relief O’ The Day

Go Team Gun Ban

By Mr. Pink

Don’t worry America, the B-Team is here. Gun violence will soon be gone like affordable gas thanks to President Biden’s formation of the Office of Gun Violence Prevention.

Although the official White House press release announcing the new federal office doesn’t say how it will accomplish its goals, it lists them. They include:

“Banning assault weapons and high-capacity magazines; Requiring safe storage of firearms; Requiring background checks for all gun sales; Eliminating gun manufacturers’ immunity from liability.”

We are not sure how suing gun manufacturers for the illegal acts committed by criminals with guns will result in anything but the total annihilation of the firearm industry via the courts (gun manufacturers are already liable if they sell defective products) but we suspect that’s the Office’s intention.

We also don’t understand how banning assault weapons and requiring background checks will cause south side thugs to surrender their stolen heaters just because the Office says so, but hey, gangbangers are often misunderstood.

The taxpayer-funded OGVP consists of a cadre of D.C. experts—the Ban Team—whose favorite play is the ol’ “End-Around Power Gun Grab on Two” that, if nothing else, usually results in a few less self-defense options for the good guys. It’s headed by Vice President Kamala Harris who’s fresh off her bang-up job as Immigration Czar, a position that forever dubbed her “The Bill Belichick of Border Security.” After such thorough work in preventing illegals from entering the country, keeping gats out of hands is sure to be a cinch.

On a serious note, it seems to us that if the OGVP were really committed to gun safety and reducing violent crime, it would join with professional organizations who actually teach kids about the dangers of guns, train adults in their proper usage for self-defense, and prosecute criminals who use guns in crime. But nope, gun safety is not what this crack squad of Second Amendment snipers is all about. We can prove it.

If it were about decreasing deaths, they’d go after inner city gangs that are the No. 1 producers of gun crime. It might go after handguns that account for the vast majority of all gun deaths—most of which occur in about a dozen of America’s most impoverished cities—but that would be viewed as racist by their constituents and bad for business.

The OGVP’s agenda, as it admits, is to take your AR-15. Just don’t be surprised when, after AR-15s are banned, it comes for the next gun on their list. Groups like this always work incrementally by taking one right at a time, as long as it “saves just one child’s life.” But over time Americans will wake up to a Second Amendment that’s been whittled down to nothing but a few anemic words on a piece of paper.

We’ve got the First Amendment for words; we must have a fully intact Second Amendment to protect all the rest.

Satire from the masters of it, Babylon Bee logo

7 Reasons Gun Control Will Make Your Family Safer

One of the most heated and never-ending debates in America is that of gun control. Opponents of gun control cite the Second Amendment of the Constitution as the final word to end all discussion, whereas proponents of increased gun control scream really loud. It’s all so confusing!

To help you understand why putting new gun control laws in effect will make you and your family safer, The Babylon Bee has compiled this helpful list.

  1. There were no guns in the Bible: If God thought guns would keep you safe, He would have created them a long time ago and written about them in His Word.
  2. It allows you to trust the government to protect your family: And the government does EVERYTHING well and efficiently!
  3. Firing a gun gives people PTSD, which kills at least 12 million families per year: We’re getting PTSD just writing this article. You don’t want it. Trust us.
  4. There will be less conflict when your kids are taken to be raised by the state: No one will get hurt, and everyone will be better off in the long run!
  5. If you take guns away, all bad guys instantly become good guys: After all, it’s the guns that are evil, not human beings.
  6. If you don’t have a gun, you don’t have to spend money on ammo, and that money can then be used to purchase more COVID masks to protect your family: Forget the threat of crime and violence — everyone knows COVID is the real danger!
  7. Everyone respects laws: Even criminals know it’s best to follow the rules!

See? Gun control isn’t so bad after all!

Scientists At Budweiser Attempt To Discover How Many Beers It Would Take For Dylan Mulvaney To Pass As A Woman.

ST. LOUIS, MO — Beer scientists at Budweiser headquarters are reportedly hard at work researching how many cans of Bud Light it would take for Dylan Mulvaney to pass as a woman.

According to sources, Mulvaney, who recently became a spokesman for the alcoholic beverage, was personally recruited by CEO Phillip Bud while he was inebriated — now human resources need to know how this could have happened.

One. No. Two. No, Dr. Pedro Morganstein noted in the test log. Three? Ugh, no.

Dr. Morganstein reportedly passed out twenty beers later, still believing Dylan Mulvaney was a man. However, he did note that his female colleagues were at least three points more attractive.

Alcoholic intake studies are nothing new for the Budweiser corporation, but experiments typically measure the rate of cognitive decline. Determining how many drinks it takes for a man to look like a woman is new territory for the team.

At publishing time, scientists had determined it takes the equivalent of 37 Bud Lights to make Dylan Mulvaney passable as a woman, or just 3 Ballast Point Sculpins.

 

NBC news intern with quite a sense of snark

Climate protesters hit a $110M Monet with mashed potatoes
— but a glass barrier prevented them making an impression on the artwork.

German protesters arrested after throwing mashed potatoes at Monet painting that sold for $110 million
“This painting is not going to be worth anything if we have to fight over food,” said one of the two activists protesting climate change. The painting was unharmed, the museum said

Police arrested a pair of German protesters who, in a bid to bring attention to the perils of climate change, threw mashed potatoes Sunday at a Claude Monet painting that once sold for more than $110 million.

Authorities said they are investigating the protesters, whom police did not name, for property damage and trespassing after the incident at the Barberini Museum in Potsdam, the capital of the state of Brandenburg, about 20 miles southwest of Berlin.

An “immediate conservation investigation” found that “Grainstacks,” which Monet painted in 1890 and which sold for $110.7 million at a 2019 auction, sustained no damage from the stunt, as it lies behind a layer of protective glass, the museum said in a statement on Twitter. The painting will be back on display by Wednesday, the museum added.

A Brandenburg police spokesperson did not immediately respond to a question about why the protesters were being investigated for property damage given that the painting was unharmed.

Video posted to the Twitter account of the Last Generation, the German climate group that claimed responsibility, shows two protesters hurling mashed potatoes at the painting and then kneeling in front of it and seeming to glue their hands to the wall.

The stunt was similar to one this month at London’s National Gallery, where two protesters from the U.K. group Just Stop Oil threw what appeared to be tomato soup at Vincent van Gogh’s painting “Sunflowers,” which sold for nearly $40 million in 1987, to protest the country’s cost-of-living crisis. That painting was also behind protective glass and unharmed, according to the museum.

On Sunday, the German activists referred to the U.K. protest as they carried out their own.